


Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. -1 : A prelude to madness.

by justinsbuzz



Series: Cracked Gem Confidential [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Mild Language, Strong Female Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 03:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17399027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justinsbuzz/pseuds/justinsbuzz
Summary: A start if a long journey through the crack-fic territory of Steven Universe. and as they say, the beginning of every journey starts with a single step backwards, off of a cliff, and into the loving arms of insanity, mixed with teen fluff, romance, head cannon's run amok, awkward first, inside jokes, and some slightly mature stuff that only those of pure insane souls could handle. You've been warned.





	Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. -1 : A prelude to madness.

**Author's Note:**

> Right, so, as the summary states, this will be the somewhat first of many volumes of crack-fic that i've been dying to write. a good amount of people were impressed with 'Day 111', and i figured i should put the drama stuff on the back burner, and just get weird. And alot of this stuff will be faithful to the show, but there will be some things that come from my own AU works ('Homeworld Aftermath' and Everything Changes, Everything Stays' arcs). so if you get confused, that's normal.
> 
> I do promise to not go into some uncomfortable, territory such as underage sex (because hell no that's why), major character perma-deaths, and just some really 'ah hell nah' kind of things.
> 
> What you might/will see:   
> awkward situations that comes with growing up/getting older.   
> strong language (Pearl and/or Opal will have their day. pink swear),   
> slap stick violence, usually by way of gem, or gem-related antics,   
> implied situations that would warrant a big ol' (M), but I'll give you a heads up so you don't get your brain corrupted (Because I'm nice like that),   
> "after-school specials" written by the remaining Monty Python actors and David Lynch, all of them on LSD,   
> Maybe some psychedelics because Amethysts loves to prank people,  
> Connverse. Lots and lots of Connverse. and some shipping wars.  
> And some other stuff that i haven't thought up yet.  
> For now, enjoy.

Cracked-Gem Confidential. Vol. -1: A prelude to madness.

Ruby noir:

(Ruby narration)

It was a humid day in Beach City. The streets were hot. Like, not fire hot, but, yeah, hot. My office in the Light house was hot too. Yep. Everything was hot, and black and white for reasons unknown. Just the way I like it. I need to get a case though. The missus needs a new ring on her finger, the landlords been barking at me like some wavy-haired junkyard dog. Crying about me stealing his hat, establishing a makeshift detective office in his own office, and maybe lighting his shoes on fire. Really trivial stuff. Everything was hot. Hot and dry. And black and white. Yep, the dog days of a cowboy/2-bit detective/eternal flame ruby is a hard life. A life I chose to live. Yep.

Then suddenly, the door swung open, and there she stood. Some pretty young tall dame, long flowing grey hair, wearing a grey trench coat, and a grey hat. Grey seems to be a very popular color for this terrible story. Then again, I might be colorblind. Can a ruby be color blind? What color is a ruby. Ru-bee. Ruuuuuu-beh. Roo-

“Ahem.” the pretty dame spoke, interrupting my train of thought. What was I thinking about? I was laying back in my chair, eyes squinting, trying to get this hat to fit, pretending to look cool. I’m never going to get my train of thought back on-

“Ahem!” the dame spoke again, but louder. Can’t she see I’m trying to look cool? That I’m trying to be a cool, detective? Wait, potential client. FOCUS!

“Why hello there.” I said, all cool like. Sapphire would have swooned. “How can a cool detective like me, help a foxy dame like yourself”

Yep, reeeeeeeeeeeeal cool.

“You can start by never calling me a ‘foxy dame’ ever again.” She said in a stern tone. Yeah, she seems like a definite ruby to me. Really tall, slightly wide hipped, ruby. “And second, I have a really important case for you. A case that I am sure a *groan* competent detective like yourself could get done.”

“Hmmm. Hmmmm. Uh-huh. Yep. Yep.” I said all cool and detectivy. Real cool. “No dice sweetheart. I’m out of the game. Out of the private eye business. Shoes no longer have gum on them, and the streets. Those mean Beach City streets. They’re too hot. Hot streets”.  
“I didn’t even tell you what the job!” The foxy dame purred at me like a, well, those weird things that purr. “And did you just call me ‘sweetheart’?!”

“Sorry, toots. Just the way the game is played. I’m all out of gum.” I said, cool as lava. Jeez, I’m so cool. Sapphy would be fainting right now by how cool I am. “You had your chance back in Empire City. We’ll always have Kansas, sweetheart.”  
The young dame’s eyes were twitching in desperation. Her teeth gritting and something on her forehead was throbbing with desperation. Her fists clenching in desperation. I’m so cool.  
“Hang in there, Priya. Stick with the script.” Some mysterious voice came from outside my office, and not some other persons office. The door was unlocked, douggie. And I go by squatter P.I. rules. “Breathe, and roll with it. You’re doing great, hon.”  
“Who was that, sweetheart?” I asked, putting my skilled detective instincts to work. So cool. The tall dame breathed and sighed with desperation. Something had clicked.

“That’s…. the case. The case of the mysterious whispering person. A strange occurrence that’s been going on around town.” The foxy dame spoke with desperation. “Some are saying there’s a suspicious person, cartwheeling around town, playing a kazoo. Tall, bushy hair, total goofball, wearing a strange pink outfit. Can’t miss them.”

The young dame then strolled past my desk that I definitely did not steal from someone else.

“Alas, the town seems to no longer have a…. competent and upstanding private eye.” She said woefully. “I guess the hot streets of Beach City will forever be terrorized by the whispering person. No one will be safe ever again, and the mad cartwheeling kazoo player will spread their madness far and wide all because there was no… upstanding detective to get to the bottom of this.”

I. Am. So. Cool. On one hand, I need the money so I can get my Laughfy Sapphy a new ring. If you’re going to get milk from a cow, you gotta’ put a ring on it. On the other hand, I leave my office, and I’ll lose it forever to that weird human who thinks they’re a detective because of some trivial things like a town badge, or experience, and ‘no, seriously, the mayor says I’m a detective, and I need to get my cellphone on a charger, and the charger is in my desk. You know, the one you’re using. MY desk’. Silly, human things. Laughfy Sapphy’s new ring, Being a cool detective? Laughfy Sapphy? Cool detective? The choice was a hard one. But it had to be done.

“Alright, toots. You win. You twisted my arm, Sweetheart.” I said, pulling the brim down on my hat that was totally mine and I didn’t see your name on it, Doug. Hit the bricks, D-man, cause that’s how I roll. “I’ll take the case, and not because of what we shared in Kansas. And not because of your rockin’ bod. But because I’m a cool detective. I detect…stuff.”

I gracefully got up from my chair, and totally didn’t stub my toe. And I definitely didn’t tear up cause I’m not crying, you’re crying. Detectives don’t cry. Shut up. I grabbed my coat and walked towards the door, Leaving that foxy dame in my office. “Leave the payment on my desk, and I’ll solve this unsolvable case. Even if it kills me.”

As I walked out, I heard a shuffling of multiple footsteps rushing into my office, and the door slammed shut. I didn’t need to use my totally cool detective skills to know that it was just the wind. The wind, crying for justice. I’ll get that whispering stranger. Even if it poofs me. We’ll always have Kansas, and that somewhat dry turkey club sandwich.

(now back in the real world)

The light switch turned on in the Lighthouse observatory and security center. Priyanka was pacing the ground furiously while Doug and Greg helped move the desk back, with Sapphire floating an inch above its surface. Finally situated, Doug and Greg’s attention turned to a subtly furious Priyanka, who was mumbling through her gritted teeth and under breath.

“Freaking……Foxy? Dame? Doll? Toots? Rocking bod?! SWEETHEART?! Sapphire, what the hell?!” Priyanka roared at the serene Sapphire, still hovering over Doug’s desk. “Seriously, I don’t even let Doug get away with calling me half of those things.”

“Wait. Which half?” Doug asked nervously.

“Not now, Sweetheart!” Priyanka growled.

“Huh, one down, 5 to go.” Doug murmured to himself, with Greg in earshot of him.

“In all honesty, Priyanka, she did go too far with her role playing.” Sapphire said in a calm voice “I will talk to her when she comes home tonight after failing to find the whispering stranger, but not before being dropped kicked by Stevonnie. That might bring her back to reality.”

“That MIGHT?!” Priyanka roared before turning to the nearby cinderblock column in the middle of the room and punching a hole into it. “RAAAARRRRR”

“I am so scared, Doug.” Greg said in a slow and frightened tone.

“It’s ok buddy. Just…. don’t make any movements.” Doug said, patting Greg on the shoulder. “That’s how she spots her prey.”

“Ruby, YOUR WIFE, sapphire. Just hit on me, and got away with it. And you think Stevonnie might bring her back to freaking reality by just…. ARGH!” Priyanka yelled furiously. “It honestly would have been better to just let me drag her out by her damn gem!”

“That would have caused 2nd degree burns, severe nerve damage, and ultimately preventing you from ever writing with your hand. and that would ultimately shut down your medical career” Sapphire said in a continuous calm tone. “This was one of 4 viable outcomes that would cause minimal damage to yourself and everything around us.”

“One of 4?” Doug asked.

“Future vision. Don’t ask for lotto numbers. I tried.” Greg whispered.

“The other three outcomes would have been you chucking her through the window without her noticing, one would lead Ruby back into a life of a cowboy, and I’m personally glad she got out of that phase. The chaps were unsettling.” Sapphire said blushing a little. “And one would have led to you getting too deep into your own character, spiraling you deeper into a state of madness you feel yourself already going into.”

“Wha…. what?” Priyanka asked, confused.

“There was one other outcome that leads to a very uncomfortable situation that I will block out from my minds eye.” Sapphire spoke, gently and gracefully hovering back on the ground “By the end of today, she will go back to normal, or she will do something even weirder. Either way, you get your office and station back, Doug. I suggest getting some ice for Priyanka’s hand.”

“I’m good.” Priyanka said still annoyed that Sapphire didn’t even give her a heads up on how weird things were going to get.

“If you say so.” Sapphire said cautiously before making her way to the door. “Greg, you will need to be at your van in 5 minutes before things get weird. And Doug, you still need to get ice for reasons that are unclear. Have a good day.”

“Well, I’m definitely not one to let her advice go to waste, and I still have most of my stuff in there. Later guys.” Greg said following suit, leaving Priyanka and Doug alone.

“Hon, I’m really sorry. I didn’t know things would get that bad.” Doug said remorsefully. “I mean, I really didn’t know.”

Priyanka walked towards Doug and gave him a hug.

“It’s ok, Doug. Just make sure you keep the door locked next time.” Priyanka whispered.

“It actually was.” Doug said looking at the door, with a burnt hole in it. “She just, let herself in.”

“Well, promise me when you get your midlife crisis phase, just stick with something low key. Like, buying a motorcycle or something.” Priyanka said, moving away from Doug.

“I think moving to Beach City was the midlife crisis phase. No regrets so far.” Doug said with a smile.

“I’m heading to the clinic. Another long, slow day. See you tonight, toots.” Priyanka said jokingly as she walked out of the office. Everything turned to black and white again.

“And just like that, there she goes, walking out of my life again. Until I see her tonight. Just another day, in the life of the coolest private detective of Beach Ci-.” Doug’s personal monologue was cut short by a strange, one eyed gem poking her head through the window.

“IT’S BEEN DONE, DOUG. GET ANOTHER GIMMICK!” The strange gem, known as Obsidian shouted into the office. Doug can do nothing more but sigh. Welcome to Cracked Gem Confidential.

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, that feeling you have right now. That's you, free-falling into my brand of madness.
> 
> Now, just as a thing worth noting, this is my first time really getting into Crack-fic. This means getting into some really weird, crazy, and sometimes a little outlandish things. I do take some suggestions, advice, maybe some requests as long as it fits into some acceptable guidelines, as well as constructive criticisms. If at any point i cross a line in any of these stories, LET ME KNOW! It's better to know where the line is and never cross it again, than it is to constantly walk all over it ignorantly.
> 
> For now, though, it's going to be a weird journey through a strange land. Hope to have you along for the ride.


End file.
